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this just doesn't feel like home anymore..
it's time to move on.
it's time to move on.
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boundaries of language
boundaries of language
31 October 2009 @ 12:05 pm
it's just the neverending search for someone who truly cares.
failing miserably,
ignorant accusations,
(better for you my dear)
and the swift loss of self respect in the hopes of a return.
(i fixed it, don't worry.)
i wish my heart was attached with velcro,
i'd rather not have it around right now.
failing miserably,
ignorant accusations,
(better for you my dear)
and the swift loss of self respect in the hopes of a return.
(i fixed it, don't worry.)
i wish my heart was attached with velcro,
i'd rather not have it around right now.
11 October 2009 @ 07:41 pm
whenever the souls trapped in an ugly shell
(no one is truly ugly)
try to bring me down,
i read the words from the most genuine group i've ever met
(aside from the bats)
and i remember the family i found in a week,
and those spilling over with love.
and i see the girl they saw in her most vulnerable skin.
"sincere tears from sincere eyes and a sincere soul,
you are a gorgeous light"
i miss art of living and yes+. i wish i could afford to go back.
when it's meant to be, and when you truly want it, it will happen, she would say.
(no one is truly ugly)
try to bring me down,
i read the words from the most genuine group i've ever met
(aside from the bats)
and i remember the family i found in a week,
and those spilling over with love.
and i see the girl they saw in her most vulnerable skin.
"sincere tears from sincere eyes and a sincere soul,
you are a gorgeous light"
i miss art of living and yes+. i wish i could afford to go back.
when it's meant to be, and when you truly want it, it will happen, she would say.
11 October 2009 @ 02:04 am
i just want to learn how to feel again.
and not settle for comfortable.. safe., and empty.
i want to talk to someone with a genuine heart,
about genuine things..
someone who isn't afraid of their emotions.
and who does not bother with those not worth bothering with.
i threw lung cancer out the window of my car,
and jack and jim can find new friends.
it's time to love myself,
and face the scariest parts at the same time.
here we go.
and not settle for comfortable.. safe., and empty.
i want to talk to someone with a genuine heart,
about genuine things..
someone who isn't afraid of their emotions.
and who does not bother with those not worth bothering with.
i threw lung cancer out the window of my car,
and jack and jim can find new friends.
it's time to love myself,
and face the scariest parts at the same time.
here we go.
19 August 2009 @ 11:49 pm
face buried in your ribcage
i've never felt so safe
skin the only thing keeping us from falling
into one another
(the most perfect fall)
i've never felt so safe
skin the only thing keeping us from falling
into one another
(the most perfect fall)
13 June 2009 @ 03:05 pm
"what else do you want from me?"
"to be a father and to realize your family is drowning."
"to be a father and to realize your family is drowning."
13 June 2009 @ 03:03 pm
i only use this to read my sister's entries.
she still has the ability to put thoughts into words and hers usually mirror my own.
that's all.
she still has the ability to put thoughts into words and hers usually mirror my own.
that's all.
04 April 2009 @ 11:20 am
i climbed out of the ocean into a bottle,
and drowned in the amber current.
i'll be home soon, i tell the sea.
as soon as i find a corkscrew,
and where my head swam off to.
the ship who built it's own trap.
blurred glass world.
give it a little time to remember the taste of salt.
10 March 2009 @ 09:48 pm
one step at a time.
you brought the words back to me just as you took my breath away.
you brought the words back to me just as you took my breath away.
Current Music: reckoner
10 February 2009 @ 01:13 pm
goodbye grandma.
i still can't say those words.
i can't say any, actually.
where'd you all go?
i still can't say those words.
i can't say any, actually.
where'd you all go?
06 February 2009 @ 12:48 pm
i, i, i.
you, you, you.
shut the hell up!
there's no more words left.
hollow.
i miss you grandma.
you, you, you.
shut the hell up!
there's no more words left.
hollow.
i miss you grandma.
22 December 2008 @ 05:30 pm
hi,
where is my mind?
someone take me to the water to find it.
maybe my heart is floating out there, too.
somewhere.
i'm lost and hollow,
filled with smoke dreams.
what is missing?
organs and blood,
not enough.
something else.
flooded with the sea until it is inside of me,
a lover, in my lungs and in my heart,
no longer empty.
where is my mind?
someone take me to the water to find it.
maybe my heart is floating out there, too.
somewhere.
i'm lost and hollow,
filled with smoke dreams.
what is missing?
organs and blood,
not enough.
something else.
flooded with the sea until it is inside of me,
a lover, in my lungs and in my heart,
no longer empty.
20 December 2008 @ 06:40 pm
i just don't understand why i put so much energy into those who can so easily drop me from their lives, just like that.
why do you find pleasure in creating such negativity, drama, hate?
there's enough in the world.
you inject ink into your skin, announcing to the universe the peace you feel within..
(how does it feel to lie?)
i like the imperfection of the symbol on my wrist,
flushed and faded like a scar,
a reminder of all i've overcome, of strength, of the beliefs that saved me,
of peace, of all the love and the sounds of the universe, of hope and possibility.
i breathe, and try to just love, even those who do not appreciate the room they occupy in my heart.
why do i care so much?
is the hope for everyone to just love each other something completely naive?
do i sound like miss america pleading for world peace?
if i give up on that hope.. i think there will be nothing left of me,
just faded ink and wasted skin.
there will be no reason for strength anymore.
why do you find pleasure in creating such negativity, drama, hate?
there's enough in the world.
you inject ink into your skin, announcing to the universe the peace you feel within..
(how does it feel to lie?)
i like the imperfection of the symbol on my wrist,
flushed and faded like a scar,
a reminder of all i've overcome, of strength, of the beliefs that saved me,
of peace, of all the love and the sounds of the universe, of hope and possibility.
i breathe, and try to just love, even those who do not appreciate the room they occupy in my heart.
why do i care so much?
is the hope for everyone to just love each other something completely naive?
do i sound like miss america pleading for world peace?
if i give up on that hope.. i think there will be nothing left of me,
just faded ink and wasted skin.
there will be no reason for strength anymore.
25 November 2008 @ 10:33 am
Why do we allow society to limit our ability to love? You may only love one for the rest of your life. You may only love one gender. You may only love those who look like you. You may only love cats and dogs- hairless rats belong in sticky traps. Why can we not love the being for what it is- for its soul? Why can't my love for you be accepted by the world, simply because I am loving? Why do we build walls labeled with right and wrong- hate. You have a beautiful soul, a beautiful heart- isn't that enough reason? Or do I need to make sure what parts are located in your pants as well. Why does that matter? Straight, gay, bisexual, transexual- why does it matter? "Are you really so different?" she whispers. "Look at them with all the love in your heart." Everyone is so beautiful. Why do they put on these fronts? Why is it so hard to look a fellow walker of this earth in the eye? We are all one family. We are all one. Why are you running?
28 October 2008 @ 10:58 am
i was told before that i cared too much, loved too much, felt too much.
but actually.. there is no such thing as too much of any of those,
and that is what has been holding me back, keeping me closed.
thank you yes plus, thank you amanda and uma, my gurus...
i am so happy and filled with so much love..
and i have finally found what i've been searching for-
people who love as much as me, and who want the same things for the world.
this is a revolution, and i am a part of it already..
and i will devote my life to continuing it, passing this love and wisdom down to the generation after me.
i feel wonderful, free, at peace..
i feel.
no more running or hiding or pretending.
these are the people i've been searching for.
beautiful people filled with love.
i can't even put this into words right now.
but actually.. there is no such thing as too much of any of those,
and that is what has been holding me back, keeping me closed.
thank you yes plus, thank you amanda and uma, my gurus...
i am so happy and filled with so much love..
and i have finally found what i've been searching for-
people who love as much as me, and who want the same things for the world.
this is a revolution, and i am a part of it already..
and i will devote my life to continuing it, passing this love and wisdom down to the generation after me.
i feel wonderful, free, at peace..
i feel.
no more running or hiding or pretending.
these are the people i've been searching for.
beautiful people filled with love.
i can't even put this into words right now.
17 October 2008 @ 10:22 am
Nina Bruja,
Here my eyes are so full of beauty and sadness. I need to stop traveling for a while. I am moving back to Los Angeles, where I can work for my dad. Will you be there? Can you move back? I think I have found what I was looking for.
Angel Juan
Three more years, Witch Baby told herself. Three more years and then maybe you will be ready, you will have passed the test, you will be able to be with him again. Three years of living inside the big books, eating mushuritos, finding more places to punch holes in your body.
What was Angel Juan looking for? she wondered.
What am I looking for?
Here my eyes are so full of beauty and sadness. I need to stop traveling for a while. I am moving back to Los Angeles, where I can work for my dad. Will you be there? Can you move back? I think I have found what I was looking for.
Angel Juan
Three more years, Witch Baby told herself. Three more years and then maybe you will be ready, you will have passed the test, you will be able to be with him again. Three years of living inside the big books, eating mushuritos, finding more places to punch holes in your body.
What was Angel Juan looking for? she wondered.
What am I looking for?
30 September 2008 @ 03:58 pm
i walk past that window every tuesday and thursday morning,
drowsiness ebbing on delerium.
it sprawls from the tile on the floor to the tile on the ceiling.
and i paused for just a split second
wondering what would happen if i just charged,
(without meaning to like we three fear)
shattered the wall with my 93 pound frame,
fell.
then i could watch the shards of window hit the floor
rather than those of the heart that deserves better than me.
than this.
then you would have a room of crafts rather than worries.
then you would not be left alone here.
then you would have a few extra dollars.
then you could find someone better.
then you wouldn't be bothered.
then i could be free for a moment, selfish for a moment.
free
falling.
but i go to ENC1102 instead
every tuesday and thursday.
drowsiness ebbing on delerium.
it sprawls from the tile on the floor to the tile on the ceiling.
and i paused for just a split second
wondering what would happen if i just charged,
(without meaning to like we three fear)
shattered the wall with my 93 pound frame,
fell.
then i could watch the shards of window hit the floor
rather than those of the heart that deserves better than me.
than this.
then you would have a room of crafts rather than worries.
then you would not be left alone here.
then you would have a few extra dollars.
then you could find someone better.
then you wouldn't be bothered.
then i could be free for a moment, selfish for a moment.
free
falling.
but i go to ENC1102 instead
every tuesday and thursday.
16 September 2008 @ 06:25 am
"Hi:
I was so glad to hear from you. Let me know what day is good for you and Kristyn and I will be ready. :) I hope school is going well and that you like it. I want to come and visit your new job as soon as I can. I love you. :) Grandma"
says the 87 pound woman i thought we'd lost forever,
even though her heart was still beating and the chemo was working.
thank god for full moons, the season change, whatever the fuck it was that brought her back!
I was so glad to hear from you. Let me know what day is good for you and Kristyn and I will be ready. :) I hope school is going well and that you like it. I want to come and visit your new job as soon as I can. I love you. :) Grandma"
says the 87 pound woman i thought we'd lost forever,
even though her heart was still beating and the chemo was working.
thank god for full moons, the season change, whatever the fuck it was that brought her back!
16 September 2008 @ 12:49 am
since saturday morning driving to work, trying to stop the tears with mini muffins and clog the feelings of helplessness with shrunken chocolate chips, i have been struggling to turn off the faucets behind my eye sockets.
i cry for everyone and everything
except myself.
there are so many bigger things out there to mourn,
i don't consider wasting sadness on my insignificant being.
"you're more stressed than anyone in this room.."
are you joking?! selfless boy.. i owe you a raisin bagel.
(there's no need to leave the house, let alone fly overseas to find grief and the grieving)
i don't know how i'll handle haiti
or india
or wherever else the universe and 2000 dollar plane tickets take me.
but i cry for the good too,
like my grandmother waking up, doing her makeup, paying her bills, and requesting bagels to fill her miniscule frame.
seeing her number on the caller id for the first time in months.
it's a mad, mad world.
i cry for everyone and everything
except myself.
there are so many bigger things out there to mourn,
i don't consider wasting sadness on my insignificant being.
"you're more stressed than anyone in this room.."
are you joking?! selfless boy.. i owe you a raisin bagel.
(there's no need to leave the house, let alone fly overseas to find grief and the grieving)
i don't know how i'll handle haiti
or india
or wherever else the universe and 2000 dollar plane tickets take me.
but i cry for the good too,
like my grandmother waking up, doing her makeup, paying her bills, and requesting bagels to fill her miniscule frame.
seeing her number on the caller id for the first time in months.
it's a mad, mad world.